


The Glorious Conclusion of the Marvelous Story of the Time-Traveling Wolf Cadaver

by MonstrousRegiment



Category: The Avengers (2012), Thor (Movies)
Genre: ...for any of this., Chatango Secret Santa 2012, M/M, Merry Christmas!, Random Doom is random, i don't even know he just popped into my head, i have no explanation, or something., this is a Thorki/Detention/Scott Pilgrim crossover
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-10
Updated: 2012-12-10
Packaged: 2017-11-20 18:43:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,456
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/588493
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MonstrousRegiment/pseuds/MonstrousRegiment
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One time, Loki and Thor were crammed together in the belly of a huge, bear-sized, stuffed wolf, and talked about their dicks. This is exactly as disturbing as it sounds.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Glorious Conclusion of the Marvelous Story of the Time-Traveling Wolf Cadaver

**Author's Note:**

> For Sir Squeegalot, my noble Chatango friend. Merry Christmas! I hope you like it!

One time, Loki and Thor were crammed together in the belly of a huge, bear-sized, stuffed wolf, and talked about their dicks. This is exactly as disturbing as it sounds. 

Thor sighed, shifting slightly and dropping his chin on Loki’s shoulder because there was no other place to drop it onto, what with being inside a dead wolf contorted into a very awkward position and pressed together. It was hot. If Thor had known he would end this day this way, he could have worn boxers under his jeans, to present one more layer between his very awkward and very hard erection and Loki’s ass. 

There was no way Loki didn’t feel it, but he was being tactful and ignoring it. Maybe he didn’t think the inside of a cadaver was a very romantic setting. Thor could understand that. 

“I want to put a request for the Universe,” he grunted. “Next time we have to do this, I want a better setting.” 

“Yes,” Loki said stiffly. “Next time we have to chase a psychopathic madman through time and space, I will make sure we do it in the comfort of the TARDIS, instead.”

“You’re a nerd,” Thor said, baffled. “How did I not know you’re a nerd?”

“I can’t say. You’re just very unobservant.” 

“I observe,” Thor protested. 

“I’m captain of the debate team, the computer team, the mathletes—“

“Mathletes is a _thing_?”

“We’re state champions.” 

“Huh.”

“You’re exactly as dumb as you look,” muttered Loki, and shifted uncomfortably, maybe because his ass was getting numb, or maybe because Thor’s dick was trying to insert itself into his spine like a cable cord to the wall. It wasn’t like Thor could fucking control it, ok? Anyway Loki wasn’t the one with the proverbial short stick in this situation. Not that it was short, at all, if you know what Thor meant.

“You’re a smart hot person,” Thor said out-loud, and blinked in the darkness. “How has no one tried to rub their genitals all over you?”

A beat of silence as they both contemplated that mental image. Huh. There were maybe better ways to phrase that. 

“That sounds unhygienic,” choked Loki. “And I don’t see how my being smart helps any, seeing as most smart kids get bullied—you should now since _your friends are all bullies_.” 

“My friends aren’t bullies!” snapped Thor, and then grimaced because, yeah, they were. They were dicks. Thor was a bigger dick because he didn’t stop them. Thor was the biggest dick ever. Maybe Thor should stop thinking about dicks. There was an idea.

“Your friends are all assholes,” Loki mumbled, and then added, as a second thought, “You’re an asshole.”

“Well you’re a stuck-up snob.”

“Stuck-up and snob are synonyms.” 

“Yeah but you’re like, double size. You’re snob stacked on snob. You’re Big Mac-Snob.” 

“I think you’re getting your burger references mixed up.” 

“Whatever, Snob McArrogant.” 

Loki’s head dropped forward as if had he had a desk on hand, he might have slammed his forehead into it, possibly in an attempt t rid himself of a life where he had to deal with Thor. And his dick. 

“So are your parents Scandinavian history buffs too or what?” Thor asked. 

“No, mine are just Swedish.” 

There was another lapse of silence. 

“So a stuffed wolf time-machine. Crazy, huh.” 

“I don’t think your attempts to small-talk around the fact your dick is digging into my back are being effective,” Loki said, strained. 

“Sorry,” Thor tried to shift back a little, but there was not a lot of place to do that because, wolf cadaver. “I mean it’s not like I’m doing it on purpose.”

“Aren’t you epically in love with Sif, anyway? Why’s your dick assaulting _me_?”

“My dick believes in equal opportunities. It’s a bisexual cock. I’m not a homophobe.” 

“Congratulations on your life choices, but doesn’t your cock, who is apparently a separate entity from the rest of you, and let me tell you, _you need therapy_ , believe in monogamy?”

“Sif and I are more like friends-with-benefits, no-strings-attached, scratch-an-itch-and-carry-on—“

“I _get it_ , thank you—“

“—than a real couple.”

“The convoluted intricacies of a popular high-schooler’s social life and sexual relationships,” Loki sighed. “How utterly fascinating.” 

“Do you sctually _try_ to be as weird as you humanly can?”

“Well, being average wouldn’t do me any favors, would it? I need to keep to my, what was it you called it, hot smart person? Persona.” 

“Smart hot person,” Thor corrected, and gritted his teeth against the urge to lick a drop of sweat from the side of Loki’s long white neck because Bad Touch Alert. Not like his erection wasn’t already somewhat violating Loki’s clearly asexual existing space, but well, Thor’s dick will do what Thor’s dick will do. His tongue, on the other hand, didn’t have that excuse. 

Thor groaned. “Why a fucking wolf?”

“Well, you see, after the Universe was created, which was just a bad choice and generally made people very angry, a little world in the edge of space was created where little wolf cubs could grow up free and wild to become full wolves and then be kidnapped by huge flying alien spaceships who stuffed them and turned them into time-machines—“

“Are you making this up?”

“Yes, of course I’m making this up, you tool. I woke up this morning and a psychopath had killed our head cheerleader and sworn revenge on all of us, I quote, ‘revolting teenage scum’, our history teacher is the techno wheelchair version of Gandalf, and time-machines exist and they’re not sleek eighties cars. You want an explanation on life? Get in line.”

On second thought, why was there even a giant stuffed wolf in their school hallway? Their football mascot was a hawk. They had a real-life, alive-and-squawking hawk, even. 

“Pretty sure you broke the record on most pop culture references in one breath, Loki. I can’t keep up with your crazy CPU, man.” 

Loki released a long, put-upon sigh. “Name a single one you’re recognized and I might level you up from ‘uncultured swine’ to ‘tolerable trash’.”

_Don’t do me any favors_ thought Thor, amused, and then said, “Got a towel on you?” and grinned. 

Loki half-turned his face to peer at him over his shoulder. “You’ve read the books?”

“There’s a movie, Loki. You know, we’re in the twentieth century, we have these things now called moving pictures.”

“You should know that an elbow to an erection is _really painful_.”

Thor laughed. 

“What about you, anyway? Are you asexual or something? People are always saying you’ve got no parts at all, all smooth like a Ken doll.”

“I’m sitting in a dead wolf time-machine having a conversation about my sexual inclinations or lack thereof with a football jock. This is my life.” 

“Could be worse,” grinned Thor.

Except actually maybe it couldn’t, given the fact they were stuck inside a dead wolf time-machine trying to get back in time to find a psycho cheerleader-killing asshole bent on world-destruction and stop him before he caused a temporal rift by blowing up the school in a once-in-a-lifetime time node. 

What? Thor had good memory. He remembered smart shit and stuff.

“I’m gay, Thor. Everyone knows I’m gay. I’ve had boyfriends. It was a scandal because one of them was in a football team from a rival school. _Everyone knows_.”

 

**INTERLUDE:**

In fact, Loki was not. Loki was bisexual. He was everything-sexual. If it moved, he’d probably sleep with it. Loki just very much liked sex, and he didn’t think there was anything wrong with that. He could be smart and sexually active because stereotypes were bullshit. 

People assume male sexuality is a strict progression of dangling-bit to insert-slot, but _actually_ , from a non-linear, non-objective viewpoint, it’s more like a big ball of wibbly wobbly sexy timey wimey… stuff. 

Glad we cleared that up. 

**TO CONTINUE WITH THE STORY:**

 

Thor said, “Really? What school?”

“That’s what you got out of what I just said?” 

“I mean, if you want to have sex with a football jock, why not me? This is a serious question.” 

“How, exactly, is this—“

The lights snapped on in the wolf-cadaver time-machine, and the screen in front of them flickered to life, fizzled, re-started, and then settled limpidly into the image of an empty school hallway. The cameras in the wolf’s eyes (gross, so gross, Jesus) were working again. Thor and Loki waited tensely for a second to see if anyone showed up, or if the world burst into flames and then died, that was another solid possibility, but when nothing happened for a minute, Loki made a sound, shrugged, and opened the hatch. 

They spilled out into the floor form the wolf’s chest like dolls and landed in a pile, with Thor on top because that was just Loki’s luck. 

“You weigh a billion pounds,” he wheezed. 

“I’m all muscle. You should consider that, you know, as a pro-point in the list of reasons you should totally sleep with me.” 

“That list _doesn’t exist_ ,” Loki hissed, and kneed him on the side to squirm out from beneath the, really, no joke, wall of muscle that was Thor. Loki was kind of on the gangly side, though possibly the politically-correct term these days was lanky or something. He looked like an upright foal. His knees and elbows were lethal weapons. Also, cheekbones. 

Thor groaned and stood up, rubbing his side. “So now what? How do we even find the chem lab?”

Loki looked at him as though he was too stupid to live. “It’s where it’s always been, dickhead, have you seriously not even once been to a chem class?” 

“I’m aiming for arts college.”

“ _Of course_ you are,” muttered Loki, and started walking down the hallway with long strides. Loki had long legs. Actually, he was surprisingly tall. 

“And how do we stop him?” 

Loki shrugged. “We’ll figure it out.” 

“You could make out with him,” Thor suggested, in what felt to him like a perfectly helpful and reasonable tone. “He’s been panting over you since like freshman year.” 

“How do you know who ‘pants over me’ and _not_ know the mathletes exist?” then Loki glanced at him over his bony shoulder, frowning. “You only moved here this year anyway.”

“I’ve got mad ninja skills, buddy.” 

“You’re a stalkerish stalker who stalks.”

“That was deep. You warmed the cookies of my heart.” 

“One more organ on you I seem to make hot, how nice.”

“You’re a horrible person.”

“It keeps me up at night,” Loki agreed, and they ducked into a side hallway just in time to see a door fly off its hinges and slam against the wall opposite. Thor reached out and yanked Loki closer, away from the flying glass. 

 

**INTERLUDE:**

Actually, what kept Loki up at night was his insomnia, and also the fact he got a kick out of hacking into fellow high-schoolers e-mail accounts and fucking their shit up, or finding shit he could use to blackmail them into getting weed for him.   
Loki really was a terrible person, but he didn’t really mind. He was born this way. Real competent assholes are born, not made. Assholery of this level requires true dedication, and Loki was nothing of not devoted. 

**BUT RETURNING TO THE MAIN STORYLINE:**

 

“Found the chem lab,” said Loki faintly. 

“Any brilliant plans?” 

“Charge in there and save the day like big damn heroes,” answered Loki, and yanked his arm away to do just that. 

The chemistry lab was a mess. Something had exploded in the counter closest to the door, and all the kids had huddled in a corner looking terrified enough to piss themselves. Professor Romanova was standing in front of them, standing tall on heels that were really just not at all practical-lady shoes, and her skirt was hiked up to a not at all acceptable height on her creamy white thigh, and she was holding a very long and very sharp-looking knife. Thor stared at her, slack-jawed. 

“What dimension is this? I think we made a wrong turn at Uranus.” 

“I hope that wasn’t some sort of lame pun,” Victor Doom said quietly, and turned around. His face looked like it had been mauled by a mountain lion and the skin had been torn to shred to reveal a gleaming, silver skull beneath. Terminator had nothing on this guy. 

“It probably was, he can’t help himself,” Loki lamented. 

Thor opened his mouth to protest, but Loki darted forward and caught a rack of vials from the nearest countertop and flung it at Doom’s face. Doom screeched. Thor grabbed the nearest available thing that he could use as a club and used it as precisely that. It turned out to be the fake anatomy skeleton, and it has to be said, the visual effect was much better than the actual result, which was none, at all. Professor Romanova shot forward and plunged the knife hilt-deep into Doom’s back. Doom shrieked, whirled around and shoved her so hard she literally skidded across the floor on her death-heels. 

 

**INTERLUDE:**

Natasha Romanova was a Russian spy that had proven to be so, so fucking good at torture, that the Russian government had decided she was good enough at it to be moved onto the next level in the torturer-ladder, and has thusly been awarded chemistry teacher levels. 

It was a happy day for her and her family. There has been confetti. She was very proud. 

**ANYWAY:**

 

Thor looked frantically around for a weapon, found something maybe vaguely useful, and came up wielding a fake plastic femur like a baseball bat. 

He felt compelled to say, “I have the longest bone in the human body and I’m not afraid to use it.” 

“That’s going in the reasons-not-to-fuck-Thor list,” Loki muttered, busy mixing chemicals on a glass mixer. Maybe he was putting together a Molotov cocktail with his crazy smartypants intel-inside. 

“That list doesn’t exist either,” yelled Thor and went in for the killing blow, slipped on water on the floor and went face-down on the tiles. Well, that was glorious. 

Loki released a long-suffering sigh. “I have to do everything in this relationship.”

He threw something in Doom’s face, but Doom was ready for it this time, and he deflected the container with his right arm, which was almost entirely metal. The glass shattered against one of the support beams of the instrument rack, and it must have been some seriously rich cocktail of destruction, because it _ate through the metal_. The rack buckled and tipped forward, and an assortment of highly dangerous artifacts whose name Thor would never be bothered to learn pitched forward and right into Doom’s tender back. 

Doom stumbled and fell to his knees, glaring at Loki balefully before slumping forward and going limp. 

“Well,” said Loki, dusting his hands in a brisk manner as Thor struggled awkwardly to his feet and stealthily kicked the femur away. “That fixed itself, didn’t it.” 

“What, we don’t get any coins? This video game sucks.” asked Thor. 

“Who the hell are you?” growled Romanova. 

Loki said ‘I’m the Doctor’ and Thor said ‘We’re Green Lanterns’ and then they both bolted to the door, down the hallway and away from the crazy Russian knife-happy chemistry teacher wearing Prada (educated guess). They skidded into a tight corner. Thor’s sneakers slid on the tiles and he crashed into Loki, slamming him face-first into the wall. 

The kid just turning the corner randomly in that moment blinked in stunned silence and then, because this was their luck, he snapped a Polaroid picture of the both of them crushed against the wall. Thor extricated himself from Loki’s spine, grabbed his arm, and started dragging him towards the wolf. 

“Dude,” he said, staring at Loki wide-eyed. “We’re the school’s anonymous poster-boys for LGBT acceptance!”

“I think I broke a rib,” rasped Loki. 

Thor stuffed him unceremoniously into the wolf time-machine, and then folded himself inside it—it was not bigger on the inside—and then he pulled the hatch closed and jammed his finger into the huge red button. 

The lights flickered, the screens fizzled out, and now they had to wait as the machine bent time and space to return them to their rightful time. 

“So I guess we saved the world,” Thor said after a moment of silence. His back was pressed against Loki’s chest, and he could feel him breathe in and out evenly. Loki’s long spidery legs were folded at the sides of his own thighs. 

“Must be Thursday,” sighed Loki. 

“I think we should absolutely celebrate with you letting me put my dick in your ass. Just an idea. I mean, we did just survive a highly stressful situation together, I’ve heard relationships born from trauma last forever.” 

“Actually your heard it the other way around, and you quoting _Speed_ at me won’t get you any favors. And you are absolutely Sandra Bullock in this situation.”

“That wasn’t a no to my dick in your ass. Remember in two-thousand-twelve the picture of me crushing you face-first into the wall’s been in the public hallway board for like nine years. That practically makes us predestined. Think on it. I’ll act surprised.” 

 

**INTERLUDE:**

Thor can’t act for shit. 

True story. 

**SO YEAH:**

 

They ended up having sex the following night because Thor was like a dog with a bone and Loki hadn’t had sex in like a month and he wanted to get off, and Thor was actually hot, so whatever.

Thor climbed through Loki’s bedroom window, because he really was a stalkerish stalker who stalks, and then only bothered to pull Loki’s shirt off and then slide down to the floor between Loki’s spread thighs and suck him off with his jeans still on, open against the jutting bones of his hip. Loki ran his mouth, completely filthy gibberish that was cheesy as all fucking hell, obviously aiming to make Thor laugh and lose rhythm. 

Thor hadn’t thought of laughing while fucking before, so that was new, and nice. Loki was surprisingly not a complete douchebag in bed; he was actually open and relaxed and unapologetic. He spread his thighs and let Thor bruise the vulnerable underside of his knees, didn’t complain when Thor sucked a mark on his collarbone.

The sounds he made, little gasps and quiet moans and harsh breathless whines when Thor thrust in and hit the right angle, and his mouth fell open and slack so Thor could kiss him as deep as he wanted. Loki buried his hand in Thor’s hair and pulled, sank his teeth into the meat of his shoulder when Thor thrust in particularly violently. 

He got hard again and came again between their stomachs and all over Thor’s hand, and then let Thor turn him around and fuck him slowly face-down, crushed chest to back on the bed, panting harshly and biting the back of his pale neck beneath the long black hair. And then, when Thor finally finished and rolled away, Loki didn’t mind that Thor wanted to snuggle up against his side once he’d thrown the condom in the trash. 

“You could wear my jacket now,” Thor said teasingly, sliding his hand slowly up and down Loki’s long spine. “You’re absolutely Sandy here.” 

“Sandy was a good girl,” Loki replied, voice muffled against the pillow. “I don’t exactly wear ribbons in my hair. And I already smoke.” 

Thor laughed, “Think about it, though; you in leather tights. I could get behind that. Literally.” 

“Whatever, it’s my turn next time.”

“Okay, but—“

“Loki, I’m all for sexual variety, but if you’re going to bring your fuck buddies to your bedroom, at least be kind enough to close the door.”

Thor jerked away from Loki so quickly he fell off the bed and on his ass, which was a tragedy because he was completely freaking naked and Loki’s mother was standing on the doorway to the room, looking displeased and unimpressed. 

“What was that?” a man shouted from the next room, as Thor scrambled to find a shirt to cover his dangling bits from Loki’s mother because wow, she looked like a serial murderer. Her eyes were very big and very very green. 

“Loki’s boyfriend just gave me an eyeful of teenage junk, is what that was,” Loki’s mother yelled back. 

“At least now you know there’s green in the grass,” Loki said lazily, turning on his side while cleverly keeping everything below his waist covered by the sheet. 

Loki’s creepy mother pointed one long manicured finger at Thor. “You’re staying for dinner. I’ll ask you questions. It’ll be very uncomfortable. If you survive unharmed, you can come back _through the door._ ” 

 

**EPILOGUE:**

And then they had more sex. 

**THE END.**


End file.
